Headlines that Hit the Editor’s Inbox
Every month my email inbox gets filled to the brim with press releases. While we don’t cover most of these national topics in each issue of The Orinda News, I have to say many of them give me a much-needed chuckle and break from the insanity.
I thought I’d share these headlines with you, newest to oldest, followed by the warped commentary that pops into my brain after reading them.
Jan. 5, 2021
“Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder? Almost half of Californians admit they’ve missed bars more than gyms since the start of the pandemic, reveals survey.”
I have to admit it, and I’m not ashamed either, I’m simply thirsty. I’m part of that half of Californians who miss bars more than gyms. And not just thirsty for a Mai Tai or Lemondrop martini, but thirsty for interaction with my friends and family members, sitting on a tall bar stool, hooking my purse underneath the counter and solving world problems.
Not that I can’t do any of this at home while saving hard-earned dollars in the process; it’s just not the same, sitting on a now, sunk-in couch while on Zoom with the Internet taking more bathroom breaks than me. #needstrongerwifi
Dec. 17, 2020
“Holiday Hangovers: Californians rank New Year’s Day as the worst hangover of the year, reveals poll. One in 10 admit they have spent the entire day in bed due to a hangover during the festive holidays.”
I know it’s looking like a theme here – drinking – but the subtitle about spending “the entire day in bed” is the hook that got me chuckling. I mean, since the pandemic started, hasn’t this been a weekly event, maybe daily and not even alcohol or holiday-related?
Truth be told, I can’t remember the last time I had a massive, room-spinning hangover, but it honestly feels like I’m going through one now with Year 2020 as my drink of non-choice. Camping all day in bed sounds like heaven, and, believe me, I’ve considered it on many occasions throughout last year and now into the New Year. #naptimeagain
Dec. 15, 2020
“89% admit they will spend more on themselves this Christmas.”
Guilty. I can’t tell you, or maybe I’m just too embarrassed to tell you, how many times I’ve told the store clerk, “No, I don’t need a gift receipt for all these purchases.” They try not to roll their eyes in judgment. It never fails though, every time I search for gifts for others, I find things that I want. And every time I search for what I want, I can never find it. Sadly, this might not be a 2020-related problem; it just might be an always-related problem. #ineedhelp
Dec. 10, 2020
“Law industry workers are the happiest WFH; IT professionals the least.”
First of all, “WFH” stands for “Work From Home.” This made me laugh, that IT professionals hate their jobs right now. Rightfully so, since I imagine that their work hours have increased from 40 hours a week to 80 hours a week, with 20 minutes left for sleeping. I’m sure they’re even writing code in their sleep.
I mean, I sort of feel bad for them, and sort of don’t, because aren’t these the ones who make bank, always have and always will? I think they should just be grateful they actually have jobs and, quite honestly, I wouldn’t mind it if they crashed more of my Zoom meetings and I can just blame it on something other than the pandemic. I could say, “Sorry, it was my IT person who messed up, but let’s pick up again next week, I have some napping to catch up on.” #whohateszoom
Dec. 10, 2020
“The longest average time employees go without leaving home is 3.7 days in a row.”
I think I’m slightly above average here because my times seems to be close to four days in a row, and I find myself learning how to drive all over again. This might account for an increase in road crashes too, even with fewer vehicles on the road. A common theme for me, “Oh yah, you have to release the emergency break first.” Or, “Oh shoot, I need groceries again,” which was something I did on autopilot after teaching classes and driving home from my Diablo Valley College campus.
Camping at home is now the norm: I see how worn my carpets are getting and how running to slide onto the kitchen linoleum with my arms above my head, yelling “weeee,” has my cats nervously concerned about my newly developed Ice Capades skills. #homeoffice
While I dare not offend anyone here, nappers and IT people included, humor is what gets me through everything we’ve all endured together over the past and current year with the pandemic, elections, health, finances, fires, racial inequities, horrible losses of loved ones and more. As a stand-up comic, I find that laughter eases the pain. When we take the stage, we don’t stay “break a leg.” Instead, its: #bustalaugh